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 Tired of fighting, of pain, of living like this. I want change. I need help. please.Moderators: Moderators Jump to page : 1 Now viewing page 1 [25 messages per page] | View previous thread :: View next thread |
| Meditation -> General Meditation | Message format |
Clarity |
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| Last year I had marijuana. As I sat there looking at nothing, I began to feel something in me. From what I can remember, I thought to myself "wow... I have all of this in me... no wonder I feel so bloated all the time. This feels so good just letting it all go". It felt like I had so much stored tension in the area between my ass and groin. I was just letting it all go. I felt like I was in heaven. I felt so enlightened, so free. I had that feeling for a while... then It faded over time. Fast forward a year later, to today. Im 21. I want to live my life. I want a good social circle of friends, I want girls, I want to live a comforatble lifestyle... but I can't - or I don't want to. I don't know which it is. For the year gone by, I've pushed away alot of friends, missed on opportunities with hot babes, and let money slip through my hands. All because I keep thinking to myself that these things don't bring me happiness. All I need to do is just sit down and meditate, then I reach unlimited euphoric joy. Thing is, I havn't been able to reach that stage again. I've only dont MJ 3 times since then, the rest I've been trying to just meditate, feel my inner body, feel the breathe... but its just so much f**king hard work. I feel like I have so much pain... in me... maybe I just don't want to meditate because it hurts too much. I don't know... Im just very confused about this whole meditation thing. All I want to do is live my life, but according to a couple of resources, all these earthly things dont bring everlasting happiness like inner peace does. I guess that's right. But I'm just so f**king frustrated at the fact that if that is the case, then just let me transcend this level, and reach that level where it makes sense. I don't can't stand being trapped in this level where I know that everything around me is fake, yet I can't seem to smash through the ceiling above me. Either that, or just give me some kind of brainwashing device so that I can just live my unconscious, ignorant life as I was before - I was pretty darn happy back then. Need help please. I just feel like I want to explode, I want to blow up like a bomb. I can feel that I have so much blockage on the lower half of my body. I feel it right now. I want to get rid of all of this crap in me, im sick of having this unwanted stored tension. I've been carrying it for years, the earliest traumatic expereince I can remember was when I was seven. Apparantly I tried to kiss a boy (say Bob). From what I can remember it was just a joke for me. Thing was, in year 2, there was this girl that everyone liked. However I could just tell that she liked me more than the rest. So... with competetion being so high for that girl, this one kid (say John) who saw me with my joking gesture... wouldn't let up. Everytime (yes im seven at this stage) I tried to talk to this girl who I really liked, he would always come over then deliberetley yell out to some mutual friend "Hey you know Clarity kissed Bob?". At first I thought he was kidding around, he must have known I was just being an idiot. But... after so many times of him saying it... kids actually began to believe him. Kids that potentially would have been life long friends. Eventually I succumbed to just... never talking to her again. I was afraid that John would tell her the misconstrued truth to her. It wasn't fair. Eventually John became the top dog/ alpha male in our class... and I settled for friends who I thought wouldn't embarrass me, mainly... to put it nicely... not so cool kids, who were, well, weird. Highschool was just as bad because as luck would have it, John would attend the same highschool as me. Well, that meant I couldn't hang with cool people, because this asshole was always around them and I didn't want to be there when he started spreading his crap again. So... yeah.... I hung out with the not so cool people, who were just weird. Its kind of like... I feel like this king who was upsurped from what he was entitled to. Yeah probably sounds self pompous... but I really did deserve that girl. She was the first girl I liked, and I really liked her a lot. Most of the kids at that school still considered me as friends, but I dug myself into a hole and I didn't to come out. At highschool I would have been the man, but, I screwed myself over.... And it just hurts so much... because all of this, I did to myself. I was the one who succumbed to embarrasement, to the misconstrued truth. I was the one who put up barriers to my family. I was the one who re-enforced false self harming thoughts. I was the one who gave it all up because I didn't think I was good enough anymore because I thought I was a f**king faggot. Sigh. Seriously I don't know what's the truth anymore. I know behind every joke is a little truth, so by jokingly trying to kiss Bob I was probably just showing an intention through a joke. But it still doesn't debunk the fact that I want girls on my lap right now. My life has been so mangled by this experience because every single time I see a girl that I want, I always just freeze. I never say, do anything. Then if she comes and talks to me, I'll say the stupidest things ever and try to act like im in control of the situation (my dad has told me alot of psycological crap... most of when I was a kid. wish he hadn't) That doesn't bother me as much - If it weren't for the fact that I have no testicular fortitude. I've never asked a girl out, back in highschool I had so much chance to get some pie, and I never could find the courage to just go and do it. I've improved in the past year with the girls area in my life, but still far far far away from the level that I want to be at. Been reading alot of material in the past year since my Marijuana trip and one thing that sticks out to me, is the idea that constant thoughts manifest into subconscious thought. What I think may have been happening through all these years, is that every time I see a girl that I want, I will always just associate her with my first dream girl... and I will think something along the lines of "She's going to find out, John is going to tell her, I should save myself the embarrassment". All I want is pie (lol I get a kick out of that), and it feels like my mind is trapped in time. My mind won't let it go. I spend most of my time playing video games, sleeping and watching tv. Even if I find the tenacity to go out there to re-enter my college, get a job, try and probably misserably fail at getting a girlfriend because I suck so much, I will just say "ah f**kit" a week after and go back to my cycle. I think I need to let go... but I don't know how... maybe I don't want to... who would I be... If I wasn't the "could have been" victim.... God I hope I can find some kind of answer on this forum...  I am truly sick of living like this.... suicide is not an option for me, period. But... god.... I am truly tired of fighting. I don't know what I can do. Im going to be in this limbo for the next 60 years of my life. Edit: I really need a improvement. If not for me, then for my family. Especially my mum. She is truly the most giving, unselfish person in history. She surpasses Mother Teressa in this aspect. She is much more caring than your mum. She is... words cannot express her damn self giving personality... my dad... I'm sorry that I've caused so much pain to the family, and my sister who tries to hard every day to get a response out of me... It's not as bad as it used to be - it was worse prior to my marijuana trip (and I realised my actions/ concequences were leading to certain situations in my life), but I can't stand living like this. I can't stand.... everytime I walk by my mum... she looks so nervous... I don't know why... do I give out this bloody murder aura?  oh man... im so fucked up. My family deserves better than this shit I put out. Edit 2: 3 weeks ago when I did marijuana I felt free. The next day I was positive, flawless, naturally flowing. Because of this, I keep thinking that marijuana used responsibly is my answer. But I really don't like the f**king idea of smoking pot every 2nd day of my life. I don't want to do that s**t. I want inner peace though my accord. Edit 3: 2 week ago I was on a train from a city 1 hour away. I had no sleep the night before... and it's strange but every time I have no sleep and I get on that train, I feel like I just let go. I feel good. But i'm surrounded by people , I'd rather be alone. It's kind of like, I'm able to just let go when I'm severely exhausted. I feel free flowing energy. Wish I could do this at any given time. Edited by Clarity 2009-04-03 2:00 AM | |||
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| Nick |
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    Location: London, England | |||
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| Clarity |
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 I thought meditation was the answer to all. Im sure they didn't have shrinks in ancient Tibet, India, Japan. | |||
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| tourist |
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Expert Yogi Posts: 8442   | |||
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| Cyndi |
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Expert Yogi Posts: 5098 Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Well, first of all, I think you should not smoke marijuana while trying to meditate. You should purify your mind first. You really need to find a teacher that can assist you, don't smoke pot and listen to the teacher!! If you don't have a teacher, I agree with Nick. Best wishes and good luck to ya. Also, Clarity - 2009-04-03 2:33 AM I thought meditation was the answer to all. Im sure they didn't have shrinks in ancient Tibet, India, Japan.YES, it can be...see my post above....WITHOUT the marijuana. Marijuana is used for advanced levels of higher consciousness, in some cultures, not all, with a trained Shaman who knows how to deal with this type of spiritual ritual. Edited by Cyndi 2009-04-03 9:20 PM | ||
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