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Teacher crush & etiquette Q
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fyre
Posted 2008-07-17 4:46 AM (#109353)
Subject: Teacher crush & etiquette Q


First of all, to make this clear- I am female.. and a lesbian.
I have been practicing yoga for about a month and go 6 days a weekand do about 10 classes a week on average. I've tried several studios and teachers and found one studio that I just felt the most comfortable and the most positive energy from and joined that one.
I also found this one teacher who just is my favorite teacher thus far (and I have taken no less than 40 classes thus far with many different teachers). Her energy is just fierce and raw and wonderful. She's so assertive, confident and dynamic and you can just feel her spirit so alive during her class. She's so passionate and she's also so encouraging. One studio I tried had teachers who I felt just constantly criticized and picked at things constantly, leaving me feeling negative and really not good about myself. So, I went back to one of the other studios I had taken a few classes at and had liked and joined. I ended up back in that one teacher's class I had taken a month before and I quickly remembered why I liked yoga so much to start.
This teacher remembered me a month later just the second time I took her class,( though not my name).. but she remembered me and remembered I had just started yoga a week before I had taken her class the first time. She is just so encouraging and has such a positive aura and made me feel like so positive about myself barely even saying anything directly to me (though, she did high five me after I did a handstand for a few seconds). I leave her class feeling charged and energetic and so peaceful inside.

The other thing is I have a crush on her. I tend to like dominant women.. women who are dynamic and have that raw confidence and she just has that j'nai se quois - that undefinable thing that draws you to her. Yes, she is attractive too and with a fabulous body of course.
I doubt she is gay and even if she were, well I know there'd be no chance of anything going anywhere.. I kind of like her in a fantastical way anyway.
But, I do want to know her better. I want to be able to talk to her about my progress and how I feel in regards to yoga and my inner balance. Is it inappropriate to ask a yoga teacher out for a drink? I am not after sex with her, mind you.. I really just would want a mentoring type of connection to her. I go to plenty of other classes besides hers, she only teaches a few a week, but I don't want to screw up being able to go to her class either. Is it a faux pas to ask a yoga teacher out for a drink?

Edited by fyre 2008-07-17 4:47 AM
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Posted 2008-07-17 7:40 AM (#109360 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette Q


 Wow "W," this is SO tough. Like many things in life, the appropriatness of an action is often better determined by the actual intent of that action. If all is actually as stated, then for the most part, it's not totally inappropriate. Equally it would be appropriate for her to not accept depending where she is on the student/teacher relationship thing.

If indeed your desire is to   "...be able to talk to her about my progress and how I feel in regards to yoga and my inner balance," why ask her out for a drink? 

I'd recommend stating your intent exactly like that before/after class leaving the drink part out--that's where I, as a teacher would see a caution flag being thrown. See how she reacts. She may say. "Sure, let's hit Starbucks!"

Appreciate you posting this--we don't discuss ethics enough. All the best and welcome to the forums.

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joscmt
Posted 2008-07-17 10:18 AM (#109372 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette


I have (well, had, lately ) two yoga teachers I felt a strong connection with... anytime we would talk about my progress or other stuff, it usually just happened after class. OR, I would schedule a private session.
I think it's one thing to ask someone out socially- but then to ask them to talk about work? Specifically about you? My guess is that they would want to be compensated for their time. If you are in a studio setting, you can go over certain poses you may be stuck in... or your teacher could offer you a demo.
For me, as a chef, if someone came into my restaurant to eat. And then asked me out for a drink to talk about his/her abilities in their kitchen and how to cook something... I'd probably offer to give them a cooking lesson.
See what I'm saying? If you want to ask her out socially, by all means do it. But realize that she may not want to "talk shop" while out either.
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kulkarnn
Posted 2008-07-17 11:48 AM (#109377 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette


Dear Fyre: I would advise you the following 3 for sure, and that may be more than enough from my side: 1. You must inform your teacher that you are a lesbian. If you have any crush on her, you must get either indirectly or directly what 'SHE IS' in that respect. 2. If you like her teaching and energy, you must tell her so, but with a proper attitude. Please see below. - If your attitude is Learning Yoga and Getting Better in Yoga, you should stick to discussions on Yoga. - If your attitude is Yoga Learning (which obviously is) and also Crush on her, you should express your interest in Yoga and also express that you like to or would be very interested in associating with a person with Yoga and High energy, such as herself. 3. Before doing anything in 2., you must clearly indicate to her in some way that you are lesbian. So, she is aware of it ahead. Best Luck
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Orbilia
Posted 2008-07-17 11:56 AM (#109379 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette Q


I tend to see this in terms of which you want most.... fulfilment of the crush or fabby yoga tuition. I would think the two together would be incompatible. In fact, I suspect you can't be focussing on the mental aspects of yoga if your teacher's making your pulse race for reasons other than the asanas

Soooo, either find another teacher you like for the yoga and delicately persue the first in relationship terms OR work on yogic non-attachment at the physical level and keep a working relationship with your current teacher.

Should you 'get over' the crush, then, maybe, a friendship can develop naturally. In this case, suggest the group socialise after class rather than her in particular as a first step.

Regards,

Fiona

Edited by Orbilia 2008-07-17 12:00 PM
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Posted 2008-07-17 3:05 PM (#109385 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette


you might consider that the crush is actually a form of transference--and it's pretty common between yoga teachers and students. as a teacher, i'm very wary of the issue of transference, and anyone asking me out for a drink in any shape or form (lesbian or not, even as a friend) is a bit of a warning sign that something might be up transference-wise.

now, that is not to say that i do not spend time with my clients outside of the yoga classroom. i do, in fact, have a lot of clients who have transitioned into bona fide friends. but, this always happens naturally. it begins with conversations after class. then, perhaps they walk with me to the smoothie shop after class and maybe we'll have smoothies together. and then, eventually, things begin to shift where we're doing things outside of the classroom socially.

but, it always begins with the classroom. when people speak to me after class, i'm happy to hear their process, to talk about their progress, to answer their questions. this stuff nearly always focuses around yoga itself. in fact, most of the conversations do up until we do something social together like have a BBQ or something (where we all end up talking about and doing yoga anyway, but nevertheless the idea is to have a BBQ, and yoga is something we all like, and that's why it goes that way).

i think that, were i you, i would first work on my crush. by that, i mean that i'd learn about why i have it. aside from transference (which is part of crushes generally), i find that when i have a crush on someone it's because i want something that they have. if the person has a dynamic personality in some way, i crush on them becasue i want to be like them.

so, i look to how i am and how i am not like them, and how i can be "more like" that while still being myself. all of the sudden, the process moves away from being about the other person and into being about me. it's about what i want to cultivate in myself, the mirror reflection that i'm seeing from them.

then, after i feel more grounded, or perhaps while i'm finding grounding, i might talk to the teacher after class, and maybe like it does with my clients, we'll become friends. or maybe we won't. i do not know. but, i do know that i will have worked through my crush AND maintained a good relationship with the teacher.
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drjay1966
Posted 2008-07-17 11:47 PM (#109396 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette Q


I agree with Joscmt--getting together with her for a drink and having her mentor you in your yoga practice should be two separate things--one social, the other professional.

If I'm having a beer with my yoga teacher, we're interacting as friends, not as mentor-student. I'm not going to ask her to give me guidance for my yoga practice in that context any more than I'd ask a friend who's a dentist to examine my molars.
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fyre
Posted 2008-07-18 1:01 AM (#109398 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette Q


Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer and your advice!

Just to be clear, during class I am really focussed on my asanas, my breathing and my mind. Maybe at the beginning, before things get a little intense, I am thinking a little about her and smiling to myself or my pulse is racing momentarily.. the way she paces the classroom is kinda sexy as is her voice lol.. but during class I really am VERY serious and focussed on the practice, my breath and my head.

I really think she is a wonderful teacher and her passion and energy are so vibrant.. I feel so good after her class. I really love this studio - the aura is just so positive and colorful and it is so spiritually focussed (something I found lacking at some). However, there, no one really talks to anyone they don't know and being that I don't have any friends into yoga (a few say they will try but probably not lol), going out in a group after class is not something that would happen.

I do speak to her momentarily after class.... she told me today when she saw me heading immediately into the next class that she finds my practice very inspiring.. I guess because I attend so religiously so often and because I kind of keep up ok in class after a month of yoga. I told her her class is my favorite and her energy is just so positive and wonderful and I feel so good from her class.. we were both thanking each other a lot!

If I asked her out for a drink, it would not be to solicit free yoga advice I would want something social but I have no way of knowing if she'd respond positively to that nor do I have any reason to believe she'd be into something social with me, I am just one of many students in her class. Never mind if she'd want 'more'... the asking her yoga questions would only be because I respect her and her knowledge SO much.

However, I really don't want to make anything awkward nor do I want to screw up the ability to go to her class.. I really do enjoy her class a lot and really enjoy her as a teacher.. so I am just going to let things lie for a while and just speak to her after class. She tends to be on the run and only hangs for a minute or two, but I'll try to gain more conversation with her (not as an agenda.. just as a natural course of events).


Again, thank you for taking the time to answer my question and for the valuable input..

Namaste!
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tourist
Posted 2008-07-18 10:30 AM (#109412 - in reply to #109398)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette



Expert Yogi

Posts: 8442
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Many people find, as you did, it takes a lot of trial and error and searching to find a yoga teacher they connect with and makes their learning and practice as joyful as you say this teacher does for you. If I were in our shoes (oh - no shoes for yoga...if I were on your mat? ) there is no way on earth I would jeopardize that for the slight possibility that you could become friends. It just isn't worth it.
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mishoga
Posted 2008-07-18 11:24 AM (#109418 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette Q



Expert Yogi

Posts: 1738
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Location: right where I'm supposed to be		Bruce told me to come and check out this thread.
Fyre, all these wonderful teachers who responded here gave you very sound advice. I agree with everyone.
I can only speak from my personal experience. More often than I like to give thought to I have been on the receiving end of these situations. I've even had women tell me their sexual dreams involving me. Why they would tell me I don't know. I find it amusing (that they feel the need to tell me) and complimentary. Other than that, as a teacher, I am only interested in passing on knowledge and technique to the best of my ability. Somehow my spirituality creeps in there too (let's face it, not all yoga teachers are spiritual).
I always want to be avail to my students, through email, phone, consulting before class or after, etc...... and like Zoe said, socializing with yoga mitraHs where those relationships have developed over time. I am not interested in any romantic liason. My love is teaching, guiding and sharing.

But my students also need to repsect that I have many obligations out of the class. Many students actually line-up to speak with me after class so if you speak with her you must be mindful of fellow yogis who might be waiting to speak with her also.

I definitely think it's a good idea to ask yourself why you feel attracted to her. What ios more important. What is the likliness that she will be interested in a romantic relationship. If that is slim, invest in the teacher/student relationship.

Good luck mitraH
Metta
Mish
Zoe, how's the belly? WAIT, any one here pregnant too?
How's the baby MaryLisa (I've been absent for so long)
Orbila, good advice!
Namaste
Please excuse typos
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Posted 2008-07-18 1:13 PM (#109422 - in reply to #109353)
Subject: RE: Teacher crush & etiquette Q


The teacher/student relationship is between unequals and the lover (friend?) relationship is between two equals. They usually don't mix very well. I also think that there is a professional ethics question here. Most professionals are not supposed to have sexual or romantic relationships with their clients or patients. I believe that yoga teachers should be professionals.

All that being said, my wife and daughters and some of my friends and colleagues take my classes, but I take particular pains to treat them exactly the same as the other students. I see them as bodies moving in space, not as my family or friends.

I am flattered when students have a "crush" on me, but I know that they do not have a crush on me, but rather on the persona that I project while playing the role of yoga teacher. Even if I were single, this would not be a very good basis for a relationship. Also, they always get over it as they get more and more into the yoga. I see my job as a teacher to be selling yoga and not myself.
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