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| I was hesitant to post about this because first of all, I thought I could get past it logically and second, sometimes these personal conflicts can sound so infantile. Yet, a problem another yoga teacher appears to have with me seems to be worsening and I'm completely at a loss -- I have thought a lot about what purnayoga said about disharmony in a teacher and I'm afraid of that happening with me.
There is another teacher, Jamie, with whom I have been a fellow student for four years under the same senior teacher. We were always friends. She teaches at the fitness center where I recently began teaching as well. She has been there for awhile, and teaches five classes a week and would like to be teaching full-time -- yet we live in a small town where there are few teaching opportunities and no one here is able to teach yoga full-time. I know she had asked the management there to give her more classes. However, I think the management was interested in having more teachers on the schedule, not necessarily more classes. I only wanted one a week and they hired me on the spot.
Jamie stonewalled me immediately. I was pretty taken aback, for two reasons. First, if the roles had been reversed, I would have been excited about having her teach at the same gym and would have wanted to team up and support each other as much as possible. Second, I was surprised someone would be so territorial in that way -- surely she can't expect to be the only yoga teacher there in a town with so few teaching slots, nor think that I don't have the right to apply for a job somewhere if they want to hire me. I'm teaching because I feel I have something to share with people, and my attitude is that the more opportunities people have to practice yoga, the better. I am not seeking some kind of notoriety and I wouldn't have expected her to, either.
She stopped responding to friendly e-mail, and immediately went to our shared teacher and said, "Can you believe she had the nerve to do that?!" (meaning, seek to teach at the same place... also, one might question why my teacher even told me this, but that's another issue). My teacher told me Jamie is simply oversensitive and insecure about her own teaching and worried people might like me better, and that it is her problem and not mine, and I should just try not to worry about it.
Jamie avoids me in public and pointedly won't speak to me, and does little things at the club like hang the do-not-disturb sign she uses directly over my class poster... shared resources seem to magically disappear, only on the day that I teach. At first I tried to smoothe things over -- I attended her classes and went out of my way to be friendly in hopes it would mitigate things, but it has not helped. I didn't confront (or rather, ask) her directly because I think her personality is not one that could handle a direct discussion and I worried it would do more harm than good. (Plus, once it's out in the open it somehow makes it "official" and as long as I don't respond to it, it is her problem only). So I decided to just teach my class and try to forget about it. My feelings are hurt and I do want peace, and it has continued to bother me.
Also, now I worry it's going to come to the attention of the management and/or the students. Jamie is leaving town for a lengthy vacation, and under normal circumstances, I would be the only obvious option for a substitute. However, she has asked a teacher from another fitness center, our competition, to come in and substitute for her. I don't think this will be lost on our boss or on the students.
My teacher asked me again yesterday how things are going. She told me that while I had nothing to apologize for and the problem was solely Jamie's, I was unfortunately going to have to deal with it eventually because a person can't work effectively in a situation like that, yet she didn't feel Jamie was approachable right now because of her anger at me for being on her "turf" and other personal stress. I am trying not to create scenarios in my head but I do worry about her trying to sabotage me to the management or other students, possibly by undermining my qualifications (she has had more training than I have) perhaps as an explanation for why she did not ask me to sub even one class in her absence.
I am truly hurt and baffled by this, and unsure what, if anything, can be done toward peace and a more positive environment for both of us. I've been reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth," and a lot of what he says about the ego and about acting from a place of pure consciousness rather than defining ourselves by thoughts or emotions resonates. My desire is to act compassionately and not allow self-preservation to take over, but I admit I'm struggling with this. Some of you have posted about struggles with other teachers in the past -- do you have any insight that I am too personally involved to see?
Thanks... |
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| no suggestions, I'm sure you'll get plenty from others - but maybe after there is more on this thread you could find a way to get her to read it? |
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| Quite a situation. I reread the scenario several times but couldn't ascertain where the center's boss--your mutual boss--fit in the scheme of things. It seems your mutual senior teacher has chimed in but not the boss. In this situation, I'd want to know where my personal standing was with the boss--if all is well, carry on to be the best teacher you can while doing your best to ignore Jamie and whatever is driving her--be professional with her and nothing more--having contingency plans to counter her sabatage. Sure it's easier said than come as you have no control over her but ya gots to do it or it'll consume you. |
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| Our mutual teacher is not involved in any way with the gym.
My boss is a great guy and as far as I know knows nothing of this situation, but soon will ... even if I say nothing, he hired me thinking she and I were friends, and he'll notice she'd rather have a teacher from a competing gym come in and substitute than ask me.
The manager and I have a good relationship but I am new there. I also know he sees a lot of the group fitness instructors in general as high-maintenance and prefers to avoid drama, as he is quite busy. I do not want to make trouble for him, but especially not as the new person when he has an already-established working relationship with Jamie. She is the "resident yoga teacher," as it were, with the most slots and the business cards at the front desk.  |
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| This wasn't the sort of disharmony I was referencing in our earlier confab. But it is obviously an issue of a slightly different ilk, and one troubling you quite a bit, I can tell.
To me, your teacher should have handled this, done so in a yogic context, and not shared any of it with you. However, I am not in the situation and there may be more sides to this. I'm also thinking in terms of how my teacher, Aadil, might handle something similar and overlaying that on your circumstance. That may not work since you are training in a different way or different style.
It feels like an Ego issue. And that's neither "bad" nor "good" but that seems to be the nature of this other teacher right now. She is of course modeling behavior for yoga students and I hope they do not follow her example in this case.
The presence of this, an Ego issue, begs the question of the efficacy of her yoga practice. Of course we are not perfect, no one is perfect, and perfectionism is not the mission. But in this case it does not sound like the other teacher is dealing. It sounds like she is leaking. And that, to me, is inappropriate especially with the raised bar we all accept as teachers of a 9,000 year-old evolutionary system.
For that person I feel quite sad. To allow one's self to be consumed with such feelings and to believe it is yogic or serves yoga, either for the self or the students, is pure fallacy. There is room for her behavior, room for her feelings, but that room requires that it all be in process and worked on and that it not be poured on others.
Since the sutras are about relationships you can simply find, read, study, and apply the 33rd sutra in the first pada. Patanjali provides a very healthy way to respond to four kinds of people. You'll simply need to determine which of the four your cohort is.
Edited by purnayoga 2008-04-07 3:34 PM
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
    
| Personally, I am an avoider and a waiter. Probably the reason I get migraines, eh?  But honestly, in this sort of situation, it is probably easiest to wait and let it all play out. Take the high road and stay out of things as much as possible, make sure your stuff that has to be shared is simply not there as much as possible and see how things go when she goes away.
Actually, as I read your story, I was mostly sad, because it sounds like you lost a friend. Maybe not a close friend, but a co-student and someone you had a decent relationship with. What a disappointment that must be for you! Our group is run by a non-profit society and even with up to 5 teachers, we have all been so cooperative and helpful to each other. I took fewer classes one term to help another teacher prepare for assessment, knowing 100% that I could take "my" classes back when she finished with that commitment. We sub for each other even when it is not always convenient and always try to "pay" each other back in time whenever possible. It is a blessing.  |
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| My teacher told me Jamie is simply oversensitive and insecure about her own teaching and worried people might like me better, and that it is her problem and not mine, and I should just try not to worry about it.
i think that this is true and that it should be the guiding principle here.
i go through this a lot. usually, in just being myself in any number of circumstances, people's "feelings get hurt" or they become angry with me.
this really is about them trying to use aggressive (anger) and passive-aggressive (hurt feelings = shaming language) patterns to convince you to behave as they want you to behave.
if you truly are doing nothing wrong, it truly is "on them" and you simply have to continue to be yourself and be your best self as that person works through their "thing."
So I decided to just teach my class and try to forget about it. My feelings are hurt and I do want peace, and it has continued to bother me.
right now, the only place where you can 'make peace' is within yourself. at a certain level, you are not accepting Jaime's feelings in this matter. if you can accept that she is going through "her stuff" then you'll find yourself well off the hook of trying to "fix" this matter between you.
also, it's appropriate to give her space and let her do what she is doing. consider, for a moment, an animal that has been rescued from abuse. this animal will have specific needs, not the least of which is enough space in which to feel safe. with this, the animal requires consistent behavior from the caregivers so that s/he can learn to trust caregivers again by knowing what to expect and when. and from there, the animal begins the process of healing from abuse.
the same is true here. the best that you can do for Jaime is to give her space and let her do what she needs to do. if that means taking shared equipment or putting a sign over your signs or whatever it is, then let that be exactly what it is. just let it go entirely. it's the dog growling, and that's it. with that, whenever you are in contact with her, then treat her as consistently as you can--behaving towards her always with respect and dignity.
this will start to open up your feelings. you will find peace through consistent right action in this matter. let everything go that is a power struggle, and take stock of how these behaviors and actions have hurt you.
now I worry it's going to come to the attention of the management and/or the students.
it might be noted that cream will rise.
i have been in this situation that you describe many times. what many of my students and managers have noticed is that none of this bothers me nor does it affect the classes. they see me give the other teacher space and always, always treat everyone with respect and dignity. they begin to see how this is "the other's" problem.
so, it's really not something that i worry about at all.
the feeling side of it is important. you have--for now at least--lost a friend and so their is grief. and you've lost it for a reason that, in my mind, is completely stupid (her insecurity). but, that's also her choice and her action and behaviors, so you don't have to take responsibility for all of it (i tend to do this, and in your post, i see that you are tending to it too). that is what she wants you to do--that's how the "you hurt my feelings" and other passive-aggressive behaviors function. the idea is to shame you into taking on the situation as the origin of the problem, and then do whatever it is that she wants.
shaming is such an ugly, ugly thing. and it hurts. it says "you're not worthy unless. . ." and that says, quite simply, that you'll never be worthy. you take on any aspect of this person's stuff, and you're agreeign that you're not worthy.
guess what? i only figured that out yesterday--yes, literally yesterday. i've been workingo n this for YEARS. pregnancy does good things for ya--you know, beyond actually having a baby. LOL
i don't have the whole picture, but this is a piece of it. when i take on other's "stuff" because of their "hrut feelings" behaviors and language, i am saying "i'm not worthy" and that's a huge thing, no?
Edited by zoebird 2008-04-08 11:18 AM
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| oh, and, i'd leave management out of it completely.
completely.
i do not bring anything to the attention of management. i let others do that, and then sort it out once it gets there.
.part of this is because i am not at all concerned about 'keeping my job.' of course, that is my preference, but my real concern is just in teaching high quality yoga classes to the students who are available to me in that moment.
i am thankful for every job that i have, but if something like the situation above causes me to be let go (and it has), then i am fine with this. i will find work elsewhere, and ultimately, those students who liked me at that place will follow me to the next. |
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| I am with the others one this one. Just be a great teacher and let it go. If jaime gets in your face, challenge her to a Mixed martial arts match and thump her good!  |
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| She obviously feels threatened by your presence. Maybe she'll get over it. Really, it's not personal. It's whats best for the gym. Most gyms, fitness facilities like to have more than one teacher so they can appeal to a wider audience. Not everyone will like her class, not everyone will like yours. This way, clients have a choice. It actually is good for the instructors as well...you don't feel pressured to please everyone (impossible) that way and can teach in your own style and feel good about it.
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Trouble with another teacher
