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| I have noticed lately that many external objects have a strong influence over the quality of my thoughts: Television, music, and people, for example. And unfornately, most of these influences are very negative. I have not turned on my television in four weeks, and I rarely use my ipod anymore. The extra noise just annoys me now; I'm not sure why.
However, dealing with other people is the biggest challenge. I am not sure how to deal with people who have negative attitudes which I do not approve of -- pride, selfishness, greed, violence, depression, etc. Normally, I would argue when I disagreed with somebody's attitude, but lately I have realized that people usually have no intention of listening to me or changing themselves. They ENJOY doing the same thing over and over again. So I have stopped the arguing. Instead I simply try to keep the conversation light and humorous whenever possible. I am trying to replace all arguments with laughter.
However, this is not a great solution. When I see a negative behavior, I can feel my mind cringe. It feels as though my mind becomes polluted just by witnessing it. I am not sure how to deal with this. Arguing with the person, or trying to change him in any way, usually just makes matters worse. But standing there passively watching is also bad. What can I do? I am trying to make new friends who are more positive, but it seems like everybody I meet disturbs my peace of mind in some way
I have also tried telling stories of my own positive experiences -- my interest in meditation, my visit to the yoga ashram, my community service activities -- but nobody seems to care. They get bored, or they think I'm weird and stop talking to me. I can see a switch go off in their heads. Or maybe I am a bad story teller -- who knows.
How am I supposed to deal with people who are bad influences?
Edited by strazin 2007-09-13 2:14 AM
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| This is my teacher's favorite sutra, and now mine as well -- Yoga Sutra 1.33: "In relationships, the mind becomes purified by cultivating feelings of friendliness towards those who are happy, compassion for those who are suffering, goodwill towards those who are virtuous, and indifference or neutrality towards those we perceive as wicked or evil." That's it, four attitudes, so simple.  The fact that you're finding yourself wanting to disconnect from negative-minded people, in spite of the suffering that it's bringing you, is really a good thing. Yes, it's like they almost enjoy the complaining, right? Are they really "wicked or evil" though? I would say it's more likely they're suffering, and so compassion is the proper attitude for you to adopt toward them. Actually, when in doubt, compassion serves us all as the best attitude to take, including toward ourselves. Hang in there, you're doing great. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
 
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Join the club Srazin. Nobody said this path would be easy street. In fact, it's the "road less travelled"...it's a two-edged sword. In order to deal with it...you have to come out of your judgements, even the subtle ones in your mind that you silently do to yourself. It's time to be of service and just BE PRESENT. Sometimes that's asking quite alot, however, the human condition is always going to be around us.
Having that said...this is the reason I live alone most of the time, in the mountains. My husband works out of town 4 days a week and I like it alot. In fact, I'm getting to the point where I love my solitude so much that I don't care if I ever leave my house. But, when I do, and I do leave my house and go out into the world... I find that if I go out into the world and just be myself, be neutral in my mind with no thoughts about right or wrong, then the world is a beautiful place. It's actually a fun place. When I observe it with judgements, then, of course, it looks bad. It's our choice. One of my Swami's gave a good example of this. He described something like this...I don't have it in front of me....If you are looking at the moon. You can see it up in the sky, or you can see its reflection in the gutter. IF you see the moon's reflection in the gutter, it's not going to change the beauty of the moon. Same principal applies to the preception we have of the human condition. There is beauty, the Divine....GOD, whatever you want to call it, in every single thing. We just have to know how to look for it.
Most of us are going through stages of our growth and developement when we embark upon the yoga path. This is part of the terrain. That is why Satsanga (good association) is so very important to yoga aspirants. Sometimes just being alone is enough for me. Besides, there's always soo much to do.
People are not bad influences unless we ALLOW them to be. You have a choice about who you want to spend your precious time with. If these are work related people, just do your job, have less conversation..because you know as a yoga aspirant it is not your job to preach or fix the world, it is your job to be present and be the example. As Ghandi said, "be the change you want the world to be". This does not require you to preach to deaf ears. That is the last thing you should be doing. So, don't worry about what goes on in the world. There is a divine plan in process. You can't help others unless your own house is in order. You also need to see the world for what it is. We live in the United States where most of the population could care less about spiritual things...much less Yoga from the East...because that sounds like foreign and the enemy.
Yesterday, the gas guy came to my house to give me an estimate. He started talking to me about his problems with his wife wanting a divorce after 19 years. It was amazing listening to his story. I could go on and on about how in denial he was...but, all I did was listen to him, because he just wanted to talk to somebody. He kept saying..."To be honest with you" like over 20 times in less than 15 minutes. I wanted to say so badly, "Why would you even lie?" Anyway, I just listened and was present. After he left I blessed him on his merry way and that was it. I didn't dare bring up anything about yoga, or how I thought maybe his wife just needed a friggin break!!! Because after all she did just have some female surgery 3 years ago...and we all know what kinds of emotions get stored in that area. It was interesting. Why he chose me to listen was beyond me, but hey, whatever. Maybe I helped him in some small way by just being available, in a subtle way.
Best wishes. |
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Location: Upstate NY | "“One who conquers himself is greater than another who conquers a hundred thousand men on the battlefield.” ~ Buddha" |
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| 1. If the Bad company is influencing you, you should reduce or avoid it, until you develop strength to face it.
2. If you are lacking company, then make company of those who go to the places you are benefiting from, such as ashram, etc.
3. Do NOT do anything to change or improve others unless they ask you for it.
4. And, do not take life too seriously. Take a class from BBB. |
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| strazin - 2007-09-13 1:46 AM
Normally, I would argue when I disagreed with somebody's attitude, but lately I have realized that people usually have no intention of listening to me or changing themselves. They ENJOY doing the same thing over and over again.
Yes they do. Lao Tzu said "The sage is never sick because the sage has become sick of his sickness". People continue to do whatever gets rewarded and re-enforced. If you don't like something avoid it, or attempt to avoid rewarding the behavior. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
  
| strazin - this is a stage that many, if not all spiritual seekers go through, I think. We become disenchanted with the world and wish either that the world would improve to match our new consciousness or that we could go hide in a cave somewhere  We each find a way to deal with it - I went on to teach yoga so that I could share my excitement with others, Cyndi is able to take herself to the mountains and commune with nature, zoebird has never really known life without yoga so she has always had the issues to deal with.
As for talking to friends and others about your activities, imagine someone always talking about something that you find cringe-worthy (Maybe stamp collecting or the intricacies of high level knitting?) and think of how you would feel if they were always talking to you about that and not able to change the topic. A little is fine, but after awhile people tune out at best and turn off at worst. Trust me on this - I have a spouse who has at different times been able to (and did, at great length...) talk about decades of baseball stats, the rules of sailboat racing and the technical details of building a cedar strip kayak.   Thank goodness for the internet where we can find each other and not make our families be our only sounding board for these discussions! |
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| tourist - 2007-09-13 10:07 AM
strazin - this is a stage that many, if not all spiritual seekers go through, I think. We become disenchanted with the world and wish either that the world would improve to match our new consciousness or that we could go hide in a cave somewhere
Yeah, I think Glenda has hit the nail on the head. I've gone through a period like that in my life. I spent a number of years living in various cities, often by myself. It was refreshing not to deal with all the dramas I had grown up with, to see new people, to explore new sides of myself. I also felt a certain sense of rawness about my awareness, that EVERYTHING was irritating me and rubbing me the wrong way.
If your current circumstances aren't to your liking, maybe it's time to change them. I think that people can sometimes be like a favorite shirt. Starts out great, after repeated use it begins to stink a bit. Sometimes you just outgrow your clothing, or circumstances.
Edited by GreenJello 2007-09-13 1:38 PM
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| GJ - your post reminded me of the year I had to work in our larger building. I usually am on my own with 4 toddlers in a quiet building and only go to the big building for my break. A few summers ago I switched and worked with other children in the big building all day. I found myself completely exhausted, though the work was similar (maybe easier in some ways). I realized that it was the interaction with all the other staff (all of which was positive) that was wearing me down. So I retreated back to my relative solitude  |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Solitude is quite nice.
However, I too have to mingle in the world even though I have my mountain solitude. I didn't just retreat and say to hell with it all. I just get to choose when I want to have interaction with humans. I'm able to let go of anything I need to by coming home in my environment with nature or just by being in my solitude. My practice is what led me to where I am at now, here in the mountains. Not everyone could live my life. In fact, most people couldn't stand it. I think its good to listen to what your heart is telling you. I think its also good to find your niche in life, because that is your yoga. Like the Buddha said about choosing your path, "Choose whatever you like and then do the job well, with 150% of all your being". Those are not his exact words, but it went something like that. Sorry, I can't remember everything, 
My sister told me a funny story last night. She was tricked into this weekend seminar with her employer, who paid for this seminar. She told me that all these people were there working out their issues. Most of them were angry and some people had been through some very horrible things in their lives. She said it was very radical and she felt very uncomfortable. In fact, she told me she felt totally drained afterwards and was sick for 2 days when she got back home. She told me it was a waste of her time. I told her she would of done better coming to my house for a yoga class than going through all that. I also told her we are going to have sooo much fun when we go see HH Dalai Lama in October, so don't worry, |
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| I have been thinking of ways to surround myself with more positive people. One option I am considering is joining the Bible study group at my university. They seem to have a few qualities which I like, such as enthusiasm, discipline, and devotion. However, they also have an element of religious extremism, which can be very unnerving. I was talking to someone in the group who appeared to be full of love and enthusiasm. But eventually, I discovered that he was completely intolerant of other views and religions, and he honestly believed that all non-Christians would go to Hell. His mind was closed like a steel-trap around his beliefs.
I am not sure whether I should spend my time with such people, whether the good outweighs the bad or not. What do you guys think? |
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| strazin - 2007-10-11 1:52 PM
I am not sure whether I should spend my time with such people, whether the good outweighs the bad or not. What do you guys think?
I don't know any perfect people. I also dislike religious intolerance which appears to be a central belief of a lot of Christians. However, this is not all Christians. Frankly, I find that the potential for running into this sort of intolerance is what generally deters me from seeking fellowship with Christians, however good their other qualities may be. |
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| I think that it is more important to spend time with people who's company you enjoy than to worry about their personal beliefs. I have friends from a variety of belief systems (religious, cultural, economic, political and social). Our friendship is based on the things that we have in common and mutual interests. We have only a couple of friends with whom we can discuss everything and anything, but many people with whom we can spend time enjoying a particular activity or interest. Make sure that you are not wanting other people to corform to your viewpoints any more than you would want them to try to get you to conform to theirs. Having an open mind includes accepting people who don't have open minds as they are; although if they are trying to change you, you cannot have a friendship as friendship requires mutual acceptance on some level. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | That's very nice Jim. I feel that way too.
Unfortunately in this crazy world, you may have all those intentions only to find the other party is not as sincere as you may be. This is where relationships gets really tricky. As yoga aspirants we should have a basic understanding about the human condition and human behavior. Sometimes relationships, well most of the time, they don't pan out the way we think they should. My mantra in this case is this...as long as I keep my side of the street clean, and am sincere in all my relations, then there is no way in hell that I can become disppointed and/or attached to the outcome of how a relationship evolves. This is alot harder than you think....especially if you are coming from a yogic perspective. Sometimes you end up back alone, which is perfectly fine with me too. It just gives me more time to do my yoga asana's. |
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Dear Starzin:
Please read my previous response again. Now this is my response to your query below:
NO. You should not associate with kind of love and devotion, which tries to convert you. That confirms my belief that you have a social problem. Therefore, you should:
- have two sets of friends
- one for Yoga Practice. These should be yoga students, teachers and such.
- one for sociat gathering and these should be for social reasons. Examples of these can be: Toast Masters International clubs, Sports clubs near you, Swimming Pools, Gossiing friends to go for dinner a week, Gossiping friends for gossiping politics, arts, etc., Visiting Arts show each week etc.
- If you have a need for girls, I was going to talk to you privately on this. And, that can be addressed in a particular way. I am not expert on girls, but I can give you some ideas. And, you can also go to other experts.
- If you wish to mix Religion/Philosophy/Social, there is NO problem. But, that should be done without your having sacrifice your values. All other groups you must immediately leave.
Best Luck to you.
strazin - 2007-10-11 1:52 PM
I am not sure whether I should spend my time with such people, whether the good outweighs the bad or not. What do you guys think? |
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| Thank you for the responses, but I think there is some confusion about what outcome exactly I am looking for. My goal is not to find friends. I am simply looking for positive influences. I have noticed that I am surrounded by lots of negativity during the day (particularly from my suitemates who live in my dorm.) So I am simply looking for a refreshing alternative -- a dose of positivity to counteract the negativity I am constantly surrounded by.
During my stay at the Ashram over the summer, the head swami had a very positive influence over me. Simply being in her presence had an uplifting effect. I would certainly not call her a buddy or a close friend, as we never had a casual conversation or discussed politics, sports, etc. She was simply a positive influence. The whole community was a positive influence -- all the yoga teachers, students, visitors. Of course, I was not "friends" with all of these people, since I did not even know most of their names, but I can honestly say that it felt great just to be around them.
I believe that I can benefit from positive people simply by being physically near them, regardless of whether or not we are close friends. So to clarify my original question, I am wondering if the Bible study group will have a positive or negative influence over me. I don't care what exactly they are saying or if their interests are similar to mine. I just want to be near some positive energy.
If you don't think this particular group is positive, then could you reccomend some others which might be? Yoga class is a good suggestion. I have been experimenting with lots of different groups, but positive energy is surprisngly hard to find. I started going to an improv comedy club at my university. I thought, "hmm, comedy should be light and uplifting." But no, much of their humor is based on profanity, hostility, and violence -- killing people, dismembering body parts, blowing things up, etc. Another activity which I experimented with was swing dancing. I went to a swing dancing lesson the other night. It was very fun and happy and positive -- although there was a heavy sexual undertone to the activity, so again I'm not sure if this will be a positive influence for me.
I am confused about what is good or bad for me. I can't tell the difference most of the time. My goal is to be cheerful, loving, confident, and disciplined. These are the qualities I am trying to cultivate.
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| I understand better now. This is what I suggest. Consider any and all of the following:
- Go to Toast Master club speech meetings each week. Find the good ones near you and I am sure there will be a couple. Participate in them. Also, give speeches on positivity, etc.
- Go to Hindu Temples, Buddhist Temples, Bible Groups, Jewish Temples, and Mosque as you like and find positive. When, you find any of these to be non tolerant to others, or restrictive, shun them right away. I am sure you shall find a few left with positive influence as well as tolerance.
- Hangout in Border's Bookshop Cafes where people are reading.
- Hangout in public libraries.
- Go to Hindu Temples are help the community with any skills you possess. This shall have fantastic influence on you.
- If possible, give up your current room mate. And, make a room mate from Yoga Community. Take help from known persons such as teachers, close elderly friends, parents, etc. to get such room mates.
- Read the positive book (NOT books, only one or two over a month or two) each day.
- And, enjoy the life (take class from BBB. While he is NOT modelling of course!!!).
Peace
strazin - 2007-10-12 11:54 AM
Thank you for the responses, but I think there is some confusion about what outcome exactly I am looking for. My goal is not to find friends. I am simply looking for positive influences. I have noticed that I am surrounded by lots of negativity during the day (particularly from my suitemates who live in my dorm.) So I am simply looking for a refreshing alternative -- a dose of positivity to counteract the negativity I am constantly surrounded by.
During my stay at the Ashram over the summer, the head swami had a very positive influence over me. Simply being in her presence had an uplifting effect. I would certainly not call her a buddy or a close friend, as we never had a casual conversation or discussed politics, sports, etc. She was simply a positive influence. The whole community was a positive influence -- all the yoga teachers, students, visitors. Of course, I was not "friends" with all of these people, since I did not even know most of their names, but I can honestly say that it felt great just to be around them.
I believe that I can benefit from positive people simply by being physically near them, regardless of whether or not we are close friends. So to clarify my original question, I am wondering if the Bible study group will have a positive or negative influence over me. I don't care what exactly they are saying or if their interests are similar to mine. I just want to be near some positive energy.
If you don't think this particular group is positive, then could you reccomend some others which might be? Yoga class is a good suggestion. I have been experimenting with lots of different groups, but positive energy is surprisngly hard to find. I started going to an improv comedy club at my university. I thought, "hmm, comedy should be light and uplifting." But no, much of their humor is based on profanity, hostility, and violence -- killing people, dismembering body parts, blowing things up, etc. Another activity which I experimented with was swing dancing. I went to a swing dancing lesson the other night. It was very fun and happy and positive -- although there was a heavy sexual undertone to the activity, so again I'm not sure if this will be a positive influence for me.
I am confused about what is good or bad for me. I can't tell the difference most of the time. My goal is to be cheerful, loving, confident, and disciplined. These are the qualities I am trying to cultivate.
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| Strazin,
Please stop being so judgemental of yourself and others, relax and start enjoying what you do have (joy) instead of worrying about what you don't have (desire).
Namaste,
Jim |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| Yeah - comedy is not the best place for sure. Lots of angry people are comics, I'm afraid... Of course, I suggest you stick with the swing dancing because I love to dance, but that is just me. There are no sexual overtones where we dance, but we are mainly significantly older than college age. Not that we aren't interested, you understand, we just save it for off the dance floor. 
Are you an animal lover? I would think that groups dedicated to animal rescue or dog training or whatnot might be positive, accepting folk. Horticulture? Start a Laughter Yoga group! |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 475
Location: canada | yes i second the advice on dancing. i'm taking lessons (not swing dancing). like most things you get involved in, there will be positive and negative energy coming from the different people there. you can't escape it. |
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| People are a good guage of your own state. I always use how I am feeling with my interactions as a message for what I need more of. The world is a mirror of your own inner self. How you see the world doesnt reflect the world as much as it reflects you. Otherwise all of us would see the same thing when we look outward.
The solution? Keep meditating, chanting and doing your practises. |
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Dealing with outer influences
