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| I just recently joined this forum in the hopes that someone here can answer some questions I have.
I'm pretty sure I have a small case of HPPD (hallucinogenic perception persisting disorder) which i got from using drugs (acid, weed). I don't take drugs anymore and haven't for a month now, but I've noticed that when I meditate, I see things move very subtly. For example, the carpet will sway back and forth, stuff like that. It doesn't affect my mind at all in fact I'd say I took on to meditation quite well (been doing it for about four months), but it is a little distressing in that it makes my hppd worse. I also feel somewhat like I'm in a void after I get done intense meditation which scares me. I feel a little anxious that I've screwed myself up somehow and I just need reassurance. I feel quite peaceful mixed with some anxiety because I've read that people have gone insane and had psychotic breakdowns due to meditating. I love it so much and I do it for spiritual purposes, not to relax. Should I stop? Could I potentially do harm to my mind? I mean, other then the feeling like I'm in a void nothing else is wrong. |
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| Take instruction from a teacher with lot of meditation experience and follow his/her guidance gradually.
Best Luck |
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| " I do it for spiritual purposes, not to relax"
When you meditate, relaxation is bound to come. It's a natural outcome of meditation.
"I also feel somewhat like I'm in a void after I get done intense meditation which scares me. I feel a little anxious that I've screwed myself up somehow and I just need reassurance."
Please don't meditate if you have fear in your mind. The state of choice-less awareness often appears like a void. Sometime we feel the awareness, we can feel the thoughts emerging and disappearing. So this void might be a state of no mind. When thoughts stops and the witness within us remains.
"I feel quite peaceful mixed with some anxiety because I've read that people have gone insane and had psychotic breakdowns due to meditating"
It depends upon what kind of meditation technique they tried. There are some techniques which may harm if not tried properly. However, there are many which are quite harmless.
Can you please tell me what kind of meditation your are trying these days ? In my opinion you should try some yoga along with a simple meditation technique like just spending sometime with nature.
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| I don't know what kind it is, but I just sit and be in the present, allowing all my thoughts to come and go, then watch as they stop all together. I don't know if it has a name, but it's pretty basic I would assume. I also mix in with that one-pointedness meditation where I stare at a fixed object just observing it. |
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| You know, after researching choiceless awareness, I do feel that this is the source of my "problem". I do feel detached from the world, but in it at the same time. I feel like I'm just awareness. It's very weird, but good at the same time. Although, I don't know if it's good that I achieved this in such a short amount of time. I don't think I'm ready. I guess that doesn't matter now.
Maybe I should also add that a few months ago I achieved a satori, a glimpse into enlightenment. It was like literally stepping back into my head and suddenly things became brighter, full of energy. I myself radiated with pure energy. I'll post an excerpt from a log I wrote about it.
I was feeling content and peaceful at this point. After the shower I was drying myself off when all of a sudden the bathroom got brighter. It was as if I “woke up”, more like I was “shocked” awake. It just sort of happened. I felt no desire for anything. My mind was split in two. “I” was witnessing my ego trying to make sense of what was happening. Pure bliss flooded my body. I was very joyful. Immediately I thought of the Buddha and of what happened to him when he reached Enlightenment. The demon of ego and desire sent his beautiful daughters to tempt the Buddha (in his mind), but he merely gazed upon them, feeling no desire for them, merely witnessing their presence. That’s how I felt that night. I was merely the witness. I felt no desire for sleep, for food, sex, anything like that. I was content with just being. Walking into my room, with a Buddha smile on my face, I remember this incredible energy radiating off of me and when I walked into my empty room, I felt this strong presence as I entered. I felt like the whole universe could feel me and I could feel the whole universe.
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
    
| Dream - I will reiterate what Neel said. You need a teacher who can work with you one on one. Most people need a teacher and someone with your background is more vulnerable and needs guidance more than most. If you choose to not heed this advice for whatever reason, I would strongly suggest a meditation with an object or other "anchor" to keep you centred. |
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| What exactly do you mean by object to keep me centered? |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| Attached to the earth and your Self. A typical person who goes hiking with a working compass (assuming they know how to use it) will find their way home if they get lost. Your compass has been tampered with, so I strongly suggest hiking with a guide or at least a trail of breadcrumbs  |
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| I too think that you must consult a teacher who can work with you personally. Your experience are not normal. Seems you have progressed a lot. So it's time to consult somebody more advanced than you. |
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| Not normal in that they don't happen to everyone, or they happen to everyone, but only after they've advanced? |
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| Sorry about the double posting, but your board won't let me edit post.
When you said not normal, you ment the hallucinations? I know that's because of drug use, the other stuff, though, feeling like in a void, etc, that's normal, but only after one advances, right? |
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a few questions
