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| I can't believe I just yelled "because I said so" to my teenage daughter. Wow, it's hard to describe how lame I'm feeling right now. |
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| Now, I don't have a teenager... but I have friends who do and I employee 5 of them currently. They will drive you to your absolute edge.... be kind to yourself. To be honest, sometimes "because I said so" is the answer. I know when I was a teen, I was the spoiled queen of "oh, yeah? why should I do that?" which after trying many explanatory responses and watching my roll my eyes... my mom would respond with "because I said so"
I wouldn't worry about it too much!  |
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| bstqltmkr - 2007-07-25 9:20 AM
I can't believe I just yelled "because I said so" to my teenage daughter. Wow, it's hard to describe how lame I'm feeling right now.
So what? A LOT of rules are completely arbitrary. Why drive on the right side of the road? Because the law says so. |
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| I know you guys are right. She's being miserable and I let my frustration and lack of communication skills get the better of me. I was miserable as a teenager, and I want her to know she'll get through it, she's doing great as it is. It's just something about those words. I don't want to be like the omnipotent mother figure. I want her to know that I'm thinking about her situation, and not just making up rules, but you wouldn't know it by those words. Maybe she's just pushing my buttons as I'm apparently pushing hers. I know we'll both feel better later, but right now I just feel like a jerk. I'm going to do asana practice, and remind myself these are only feelings, not reality. There's nothing I can do about this right now anyway, except try and get my head back in a good place. Thanks for letting me get it out here. I feel a bit better already. |
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| i wouldn't worry about it at all.
she knows you're human. she knows she's struggling. she knows that you know that she's struggling.
kinda makes you wonder about some people though, doesn't it? i mean, i was talking a woman the other day who said something like "ah, high school, the best years of life--don't you think?"
i spit out my drink. WHAT? is she crazy? lol |
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| I've never done that Shelly.
Though ask me in 12 years and 10 months and you'll probably get a very different answer.
Jonathon
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| zoebird - 2007-07-25 12:00 PM
she knows you're human. she knows she's struggling. she knows that you know that she's struggling.
Maybe, maybe not.
kinda makes you wonder about some people though, doesn't it? i mean, i was talking a woman the other day who said something like "ah, high school, the best years of life--don't you think?"
i spit out my drink. WHAT? is she crazy? lol
Ditto. God how I hate people who say that years X are the best years of your life... Right now I'm pretty happy, and I'm "past" both high school and college. These things vary from person to person, so it's pretty arbitrary to say that years X are any different. |
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| My mother (I am not hinting anything about your age!!!) did that many times, and I am grateful to her for that.
bstqltmkr - 2007-07-25 9:20 AM
I can't believe I just yelled "because I said so" to my teenage daughter. Wow, it's hard to describe how lame I'm feeling right now. |
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| gj:
i think that the omniscient spirit knows these things, and that that spirit is imminently present in all beings, including teen agers.  whether she's fully conscious of that information, i don't know. but i do believe that "deep down" she knows. |
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| Zoe and Greenjello, I absolutely agree that whole "high school is the best years of your life" is total bologna. For me it was the constant judgement that made me try and be hard and not care what others think. It really didn't work, and I was an angry person for a long while. In fact it was having kids in the first place that inspired me to be a better person. This morning was like a step backward, but thats okay, I might have stepped backward but I feel as if I'm still facing in the right direction and can begin moving forward again. She'll be out for a few hours and when she gets back we'll be able to talk more rationally. I'll have time to come up with better answers than because I said so. 
Hi Jonathan, I used to say "because I said so" a lot when the girls where young children and I did want to be the omnipotent mother figure. Now they're teens and I want them to think for themselves, and so when I do have to step in and be the decider I have to be able to back it up with sound reasoning. I don't want them to resent me.
Asana practice turned to 10 minutes of tadasana, and went right into savasana. My mind was just not able to concentrate on body movements. By the end it was good, I was relaxed, and feel better about things. I got up from my mat feeling thankful. Shelly |
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| it's amazing how two postures can do so much work.
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| Funny I felt bad for a bit thinking I was slacking, but I couldn't argue with the results, it works. 
Thanks Neel, you always say the right thing. |
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| being a successful parent can be really LAME at times. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
 
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Hey Shelly,
I say this to my DD all the time. Don't sweat it, somebody's got to be in charge,
Anyway, me and my DD are heading off to spend a few days in the hospital with my dying ex-Mother-in-law who is on her last breathe, who is in ICU. I think this will be a good experience for my daughter and since none of her family is there and she's dying alone - I felt it would be a good thing for me to go and help her through the transition. We are on the road now waiting on traffic to die down...been driving for several hours. Almost there.
Anyway, teenagers are sooo much fun, aren't they?? Why don't you take her and yourself to go see Harry Potter, perhaps again, ?? My DD and I were just sitting in a restaurant eating. She pulled out all her movie ticket collections....I saw at least 6 tickets for Harry Potter #4, |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
  
| Yep, someone has to be in charge. I remember a time when my kids were small when they were young enough to need a lot of "because I said so" but old enough to reason with. At a non-crucial moment, I explained to them that there were times when kids just HAVE to listen and respond automatically. Like, if they stepped into the street and there was a car coming that they hadn't seen. I had to be able to say "stop!" and they just had to know inside to just stop and ask questions later. When they got older and were into arguing about everything, I added a category of "no editorial comment allowed." If I needed the garbage out right now and I asked one to do it, there would be no allowance for "but I did it last..." or "it's not fair..." etc.
Oh, memory lane... one memorable day we went to some party thing where kids were invited but it was a bit fancy and was in a situation where I really felt I wanted my kids to look and behave at their best. My 5 or 6 year old DD (the one now about to get married) was VERY particular about her clothes and was impressed neither with what I had her wear to how I had done her hair. After a few minutes of her whining and being a pain, I dragged her into another room and told her that there were essentially no other times when I imposed dress codes on her or insisted that she keep her hair they way I had left it (because she made my life h#ll if I tried) and that I would try to continue that policy, but this ONE time I needed her to be gracious and look lovely without making any changes or complaining out loud. Funny thing - I don't recall how they day ended or if she behaved after that. I think she did, but always held me to my promise to not make her dress like that again |
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| usually, when my parents resorted to "because i said so" it was also couched with--i have more experience and your best interests at heart, and you know you can trust me.
yes, straight out. they were asking me to trust them and their judgement. i found this so much easier to manage as a teen.
and it's an amazing thing. i found that i could really go to my parents when i needed help. for example, my friends decided to take up drinking one weekend, and i told my parents that i didn't want to say "no, i don't want to go out with you" because i didn't want to loose their company while in school (i was vulnerable at the time), and i didn't want to go out with them because i don't drink, didn't want to, and didn't want to be driven home by a drunk person (i couldn't drive yet at the time).
my parents said "just tell them we won't let you come out. if ever you need to use us as an excuse for anything, feel free. we'll take the fall for you."
i remember it feeling so good. I told my friends "oh, my parents are being lame. they said i can't go out this weekend because they said so." everyone agreed it was lame and in school, i was still a friend. only lasted a few more weeks, and i found new friends in the interim, but it worked out.
i am really lucky. i have a great relationship with my parents--it's never been bad. it's been tough sometimes (my fault, being young and all--i have apologized for being 19-21), but our relationship is really awesome. i really do trust their judgement--and they trust mine. they trained me well. |
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| Thanks everyone for the support. Of course she came home happy, and things are much better. Also, I'm sure it will happen again, but oh well, somedays I can deal better than others. She actually admitted to pushing my buttons on purpose. Misery loves company I suppose. Today I think I'll make all about me. Shelly |
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| a cool quote from Jesper Juul's Your Complete Child:
When I think of children's gifts, I think of the actual existential challenges with which all children present their parents - because they are who they are. Children force us to consider our own destructive patterns; they take us beyond the limit of pain and make us think about wether we are suitable to be parents in the first place, they expose our shallow, pedagogical attempts at manipulation and insist on our personal presence; they offend us by rejecting our good advice and guidance; they proudly and matter-of-factly assert their right to be different; they act in destructive ways that force us to confront the fact that we have slipped up.
To put it briefly: their unique competence makes such a great impression on us that we either have to acknowledge it or lie to ourselves.
i kinda figured out a couple of years ago that kids are supposed to push your buttons, and that this is why parenting is such a dynamic tandem spiritual growth process. i thought this quote summed it up nicely.
a friend of mine sent me this quote yesterday. i look forward to finding the book and checking it out. |
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| Yeah Zoe, my girls can use me for an excuse anytime. And you think by now I'd enjoy getting my buttons pushed. Here's the kicker, she came home and said she had already decided what I was asking of her. Had decided the day before actually, but just wanted to argue. Well, at least I know we agree. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| ZB - a great quote and certainly sums up my beliefs. People who sail through parenting with a single set of ideas that are never challenged, who never struggle with themselves, are not doing it right, IMHO. And the kids I have known who are so "easy" and never push the boundaries usually (though not always) go completely nuts once they are on their own. They often have no understanding of how to operate on their own in a world where struggle and being able to make good choices without being told by an outside source what they are "supposed" to do.
BQ - now you have a special "moment" with that daughter and you each understand the other better - I love it |
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Parenting woes
