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| As a student, I would often notice older male students being taken by our female teacher, and I would see how attached they would often get to her. They'd hang around after class, sit real close to her during class, and so on.
As a teacher, have you dealt with students hitting on you? How did you handle it? How did you feel about it in terms of what did it make you think or wonder or question?
Have you ever had anyone in your class who you felt was there to "just LOOK?" (You know, guys are being told if they want to find women, go to yoga -- that's where all the "chicks" are.)
I know it's common in any teacher-student relationship for "crushes" to occur. It's just that this stuff wasn't covered in yoga teacher training! |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 1738
   
Location: right where I'm supposed to be | Sirius, I've had this happen to me but we did go over this during TT. Exactly how to handle situations,.......  well, every situation is unique. Hard to prepare you for all.
I've has some sticky situations where men have acted innapropriate with me. One actually scared me. Thank goodness he wasn't agressive in nature but he did make me very nervous to the point I did not want to leave class alone with him (like him walking me to my car).
You have some good ways to deal with this? Let me know.
I try my darndest to be professional at all times,but I am very friendly and and love to smile and laugh. Sometimes people see it for more than it is because that's what they want to believe.
Just one more aspect of teaching that is life lessons 
Mish |
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| If this is happening to the teacher, why does it bother you?
As for the teachers, I suspect this is just like being hit on just about any other place. Either you like it, or you don't, and you act accordingly. |
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| You're specifically asking "as teachers".
The view of students may be different.
I certain believe Ethics should be covered in any yoga teacher training, be it a weekend, a week long, or an ongoing training.
I also sort of get the sense you're asking this of female teachers about male students. But perhaps that's not your slant in the question at all. I personally am not all that cute so I don't really have to worry about it. But it doesn't really change my response as a teacher.
The teacher is a role of responsibility. And it's a position of power, or rather an imbalance of power. So like those who drive large trucks, we must be mindfull of how agressively we operate our vehicle as it's mega powerful and can have a huge IMPACT.
As a Purna Yoga teacher coming from the Iyengar lineage I adjust (read: touch) students. And that touching must come from a very clean place. Otherwise students will feel it and you'll leak all over them. When a teacher starts dating students or allows that relationship to run amok then the teacher becomes the "teacher who dates students" and their approach would then be in question every time they move to a student in class. They would not know if he/she were teaching or if they were the next target.
Now as far as students having crushes or feelings for me, well I have to watch that as well. And I'm not to encourage it. It can really inflate the ego and while ego too serves a purpose it is a major obstacle (asmita) in the path to yoga.
Energetically this affinity is pelvic energy, the lust and craving energy. And while it has it's role in our evolution it interferes with yoga just as talking interferes with focus. The pelvic and mind energies are to be drawn into the heart center as the heart center doesn't have the agendas of the pelvis and the mind.
It's okay if students come to watch or sit close or what have you but we're to be mindful and guide them accordingly.
It is also possible to meet your divine partner in yoga class. So there has to be some case-by-case basis rather than a serial behavior. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 1738
Location: right where I'm supposed to be | Gordon, we went through the touch and transference issue often, teacher/student relationship in respect to power, authority, etc......but you are correct in saying that it is a case by case issue.
Sometimes I think students put teachers on a pedestal. We are all human, we are all one.
I can only speak for myself. There are individuals that will only see and feel what they want. The create a facade that is subjective. As a teacher, it doesn't matter what you do with a person like this because their mind percieves it to be more than it is because that is what the peron desires.
The dating thing could get sticky for a teacher. I'm married so that is moot for me.
Although GJ had a good question....why would this bother a student? Is it disruptive to them? Just curious???
Mish |
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| mishoga, I posted this because I have found myself in similar circumstances. Now that I'm in this situation, I look back at what was happening with my teacher. This wasn't a post about professional ethics or the student-teacher boundaries, which I'm very clear about.
I, too, smile and laugh a lot and I think this, along with the simple compassion and caring you feel or express for students, sometimes gets misinterpreted. I had one (male) student think I was making a connection with him and "reading his mind" during one class. I fear that sometimes our friendliness and caring (no matter what any of us look like -- and then some of you brought up touching, which I never do) get misconstrued.
You want students to get the most out of your classes -- Perhaps some might think they are there for one reason (i.e. "pick up chicks") and hopefully walk away surprised at what they got instead |
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| In my teacher training, we did discuss, and in fact, enact, scenarios involving teacher-student situations ranging from infacuation to stalking. The interactions are as varied as life itself. Ultimately, it comes down to the teacher controlling the situation. I touch often--being a middle-aged married male I think facilitates that; i.e., nobody sees me as an object of sexual desire (darn it). |
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Expert Yogi
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| I teach so many middle aged married people it seems weird to me to discuss such things, but there is certainly no limit on this sort of behaviour, regardless of age, so it is good to talk about it. My own training includes a code of ethics and I follow it and trust others to do so as well. Plain and simple for me. I have to say that the atmosphere in Iyengar classes I have attended over the years seems to not encourage flirtation or becoming too personally involved. From reading Light on Life, it seems that was an attitude cultivated by BKS and has pervaded the "culture" from early on. Though we touch, it is not "touchy-feely" and though we may discuss philosophy, it is not "woo-woo" and I think that helps keep the focus on the work, not each other. |
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| ROFLMAO
I thought the thread title was "When students hit you"
I was wondering if anyone had 911 on speed dial or on the stereo remote.
Some folks are just lonely.
My teacher organizes nature outings and get togethers so that the Yoga community can come together and identify with each other, she might be trying to facilitate a sort of an arena where cupid's arrow may strike but who cares? Having a sense of community and togetherness is good.
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| if it's appropriately bound (good boundaries) then i leave it go. i find there's nothing wrong with flirting and things like that.
but if it feels wrong, scary, or inappropriate, i'll speak up to the individual and tell him/her that i feel uncomfortable (i'm usually to get it from both men and women btw) with his/her behavoir. i simply bring it up and set the boundary. And then they react as they will. typically, it's all fine. People will quickly draw back a bit, and things will settle down in a couple of weeks (over a few classes). |
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| Z,
do you consider flirting to be sexual energy?
zoebird - 2006-10-09 8:34 AM
if it's appropriately bound (good boundaries) then i leave it go. i find there's nothing wrong with flirting and things like that.
but if it feels wrong, scary, or inappropriate, i'll speak up to the individual and tell him/her that i feel uncomfortable (i'm usually to get it from both men and women btw) with his/her behavoir. i simply bring it up and set the boundary. And then they react as they will. typically, it's all fine. People will quickly draw back a bit, and things will settle down in a couple of weeks (over a few classes). |
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| purna:
i suppose it depends upon how one is using/defining 'flirting.' At times, yes, it has an obvious sexual component--particularly when laced with inuendo. most of the flirting that i do 'isn't' it's more of a light-hearted joking around.
for example, i consider this to be flirting:
student (female): whew, had a rough time of practice today? (smiling, joking tone)
me: well, i like to beat you up; that's why you pay me! (smiling, joking)
student: You're the meanest!
me: I know--meanest meanie in meanville!
To me, that's 'flirting' but there's obviously no sexual component to it. But, when i flirt with my husband, it's far more sexually charged. |
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| so noted. |
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| From Social Issues Research Center
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html
"Men have a tendency to mistake friendly behaviour for sexual flirting. This is not because they are stupid or deluded, but because they tend to see the world in more sexual terms than women. There is also evidence to suggest that women are naturally more socially skilled than men, better at interpreting people's behaviour and responding appropriately. Indeed, scientists have recently claimed that women have a special 'diplomacy gene' which men lack.
This means that women need to be particularly careful to avoid sending ambiguous signals in interactions with married men, and men need to be aware that married/attached males may misinterpret friendly behaviour towards their wives/girlfriends. Otherwise, light-hearted flirtation is both harmless and enjoyable."
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| Love that article, it's really good for us clueless males... |
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| in light of what you posted, bruce, that's why i consider what i wrote above to be 'flirting.' it's often more of a friendly banter that is done 'all in fun' and as a form of social valve and relating.
but sometimes people take this the wrong way, it's happened to me before. i remember having a conversation with a friend who was male, single and over 40. he had interest in a young woman who was slightly older than his own daughter (she was 24 at the time--i was 26). i told him that 'in other circumstances, i would consider dating a man his age' the source of his furstration (he didn't know if she would be willing to date him; he was afriad to ask; i thought that the larger issue would be whether or not his 20 yr old daughter would be comfortable with it).
he took this as flirting with him, or essentially asking him out--and he asked "what about ryan?" and i was very confused--and said, what about him? i wasn't asking you out. And then he got angry with me.
so, open mouth, insert foot. Anyway, later my mother (who also knew him) brought up to him that i was encouraging him to at least ask her out, if he felt that his daugher would be comfortable with it. and then he understood and wasn't angry any more.
i think he misunderstood because of his desire and related suffering, not really on what i said per se--but that he clouded what i said or whatever. |
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| What wonderful responses and input. Bruce, you had me laughing!
The males in my classes tend to be middle-aged or older, most divorced (lots of divorced people out there). I realize a lot of people out in the world are lonely, and I've considered that. I, in fact, think yoga classes are a GREAT way for people to "get out there" and meet others.
I've thought about a few male students that it would be so nice for them to get to know some of the nice female students in the class. I supposed the talk does tend to be teacher-student, though.
I think it's so easy for students to look up to teachers (I always did), but when that "admiration" gets mistaken or morphed into "rowwwwr," it's strange.
I love that some teacher trainings have included discussions on this.
Interesting stuff to think about.
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| SiriusSpirit - 2006-10-13 7:00 AM
I, in fact, think yoga classes are a GREAT way for people to "get out there" and meet others.
I've thought about a few male students that it would be so nice for them to get to know some of the nice female students in the class. I supposed the talk does tend to be teacher-student, though.
I don't. The problem with yoga classes is that there's no real opportunity to talk to people. The two main periods during which you could talk to people are before and after class. Before class everybody is very quiet so as to not disturb the current class. After class everybody is busy trying to get somewhere. So, it's hard to have any sort of real discussion with people.
There are a few people I've met via yoga, but usually this took years of time to get to know them, since it's really hard when you've got at most a few minutes before class, and almost no time afterwards.
If you really want to meet people, it's better to join a club of some sort, where you can talk to people at length, there's an overarching reason for being there, and there's a good mix of people from day to day. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| This is why it is good for studios to have other events where people can meet socially. Evening kirtan, pot lucks, movie nights, etc. |
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| I like those ideas, tourist. I've met some very good friends through yoga classes, but green is correct -- in most cases, it took years to get to know them. Some yoga classes I attended arranged dinners now and then (the students took this on). |
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When students hit on you
