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| Someone upstairs is making it VERY clear to me that I am not in control. Back in Jan, I miscarried. I lost the baby at 9 wks.. I didn't find out about it until I went for my 12 wk check up. The embryo hadn't expelled itself.. SO, after that, I became completely obsessed with being pregnant (we weren't even actively trying or not trying before). After the D&C, my periods were like clockwork- ovulation at 14 days, period at 28. The only whacky thing is that my PMS became strictly emotional. I had no physical symtoms.
I kept praying that I would be relieved of this obsession.. the very first month I was back on the horse with exercise (I was scared to exercise the last two weeks of my cycle "in case" I was pregant- I'm telling you, I've been crazy), and I felt like I was finally free of the obsessing..my cycle was 29 days. Now, keep in mind, during this time, my Hondurena kitchen manager told me that her mom has been going to church every morning at 4am to pray for me, my miscarried embryo, and that I may get pregnant again. She's a very pious woman. This Mom called her daughter one day and said that god told her I'd get pregnant soon. (Ok, like THAT didn't add to my obsession). Then my mom, who is also connected into the other world, comes flying into the restaurant with tears in her eyes saying she heard, clear as day, that it would be soon now.
Ok, so I get a little freaky at this point. Because Mom knows the obsession I had been having, and she felt bad for telling me, but she was compelled (told) to do so. So last month I didn't worry about it- I figured, I'm 31, my time will come. My cycle was 29 days..
This month, I had a day of nightmarish vertigo followed by a week of illness (strep) and exhaustion. I still didn't think about it. One of my friend asked if I was pregnant. And then 4 other people asked me- including one of my male latino cooks (!). I'm thinking "OK GOD, I"M TRYING NOT TO OBSESS HERE" I finally break down and go to the doc (a new one.. and I hate docs offices) HE asks if I'm pregnant. I say "don't know". He takes some blood work and it comes back negative- I think, OK, whatever.. but then the other bloodwork comes back messed up- something happened to the samples- (my glucose came back as a 2- which would mean I'm dead) But whatever, the test was negative.. THEN, over the course of last week, I have 3 dreams that I have a baby- 2 with a girl, 1 with a boy.. AND my cook has a dream that I have a little girl (and she just had a baby in april) I've NEVER had baby dreams- not even in the 9 wks I was pregnant. THEN, as of today, I am at day 30.. so either my cycle is extending itself again.. OR.. I don't know, because the blood test said negative..
I'm thinking, man, someone upstairs is really sending me these banner size messages telling me I'm not in control of it all... at all.. in no way shape or form.... if I'm not, great, life is fun and great the way it is right now (I may not say this if it doesn't happen by 35), and it'd be great and fun with a baby in it.. so I'm leaving it at that, and I'll keep you all posted..
Anyone have any similar experiences? |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
    
| Oh sweetie - ((((((((((((((*special girl hug*))))))))))))))
I am glad you have supportive women around you. Guys totally don't get this craziness  It will be ok. That's all I am going to say - IT WILL be ok. It will be OK!!!  |
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| tourist - 2006-08-29 12:17 PM
Guys totally don't get this craziness
Nonsense, I think the same sorts of things about my motorcycle.... It's the same REALLY! (Okay, maybe not).
Actually I tend to obcess about certain things. My father's the same way, we've got very one track minds. It's great for getting things done, since nothing distracts you. OTOH, it can lead to some unhealthy relationships. I've been pretty obcessive about gfs in the past, which is part of the reason I'm so cautious about who I date.
Only thing that's going to answer this question is time, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. |
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| I guess we all have to learn our no control lessons, I know they are the roughest ones. I feel for you, and am hoping for the best for you. |
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| yeah, the virgo in me likes to be in control... but I am going with green jello's advice.. and enjoying the ride. Nothin' I can do about it.. and it could be a week, a day, and hour, a month before I find out any answers.. |
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| Thanks for all your kind words.. |
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| ok, i just love you.
because, i felt COMPELLED to post about my birthing curiousity stuff because i got a "joscmt might like to learn about a few things. . ."
and i thought about it FOR DAYS because of our extended conversation while i was in training (which was really powerful and emotional for me and really exciting). And i know what you're working on on different levels and your husband too. . .and it's powerful stuff.
and sometimes baby dreams aren't necessarily about babies themselves, but about creation stuff in other various aspects--because i have those AND baby dreams about actual babies which are hella freaky.
my husband says "girl parts lead to strange interctions with the natural and spirit worlds, don't they?" and i say 'uh huh' because i don't get half of it.
so, yeah. and i love you. |
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| me too zoebird! Well, the Mom in Honduras who is praying for us called with her message from God back in May. My Mom's message came back in June.... our lesson came right after my ovulation period (which happened to be around one of the times my hubby and I participated in our husband and wife stuff).... and I had just realized that the day we had our session.. so all of that was swirling around in my mind.... PHEW! I'm just going to go back to relax mode and let nature do as nature does... knowing my Murphy's Law (which follows me around), now that I have posted about all this in my brain, my period is going to show up tonight.. hahha |
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| moon time is a good thing though.
my husband said the other day "you know, this time before we become parents, this time of making ourselves ready to be parents, it will never come again. once you have a child, this time of 'just us' is over. It is its own sweetness, it's own precious time. I value this time."
i do too. there's something to be said for this. it is just as important as the time making, gestating, and having a babe.  |
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| How true, how true..  |
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| Jos - sorry to hear you've been through such a rough patch with all this, couldn't have been easy. We're here for you,
many hugs, sb |
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| Thanks everyone for you kind words.. Mother Nature finally caught up with me and my crazy brain.. I can't say that I've had a 32 day cycle since I was a teenager. It's funny, because I thought my body seemed to regulate itself pretty quickly after the miscarriage, but I am finding that it's still finding it's way back to normal.. hatever normal is anymore.. I guess it takes a little longer then I thought. At least for me and my body... I tell you though, I'm totally fine with it.. I have bellydancing starting up again in a couple of weeks, which I guess is a lot easier not pregnant, than pregnant.. so that's a bright spot in all of this !! |
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Location: London, England | Hi MaryLisa,
I'll add to the best wishes of everyone here, just keep making like the dogs in your avatar, with your partner, everything should be fine At least, I think that's what they're doing. Animals!!
Nick |
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| you know, I forgot that someone said that picture looked like that.. maybe I should find another one- they are just sitting on the chair together. comet (the white one) doesn't like for Josie (the black one) to have a better view.. so he usually crowds into her space.. they're like brother and sister.. not, ahem, what you speak of...  |
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Location: London, England | Hi MaryLisa,
In that case, my mind needs washing out with soap, definitely need a girlfriend
Nick |
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Oh, the womenness of it all..
